remembering nanay

The moment I heard about the dreadful news, I was deeply saddened, not because she had left us so soon but because I won’t be able to hear her gentle voice again, I won’t be able to look into her gentle and teary eyes and never be able to touch her wrinkly lovely face again.

As I was remembering how my mother aged, her wrinkles and her hands were aged by years of loving service, these were the hands that raised and nurtured eight siblings, through a painstakingly hard work and enormous labor of love against the difficult storms in life. My mother’s hands had done their best to feed a big family. Hands that were always thrifty and never wasteful. Hands that gave us warmth, disciplined blessings and taught us good values and virtues. Back then we had so little, we were struggling with difficulty, but we had lived our lives with dignity.

And now my hands sometimes look just like hers, square palms, blunt fingers, the same lines, around the knuckles – a small detail only her own daughter would notice. I am a little bit disappointed at the loss of my smooth hands but quite delighted to find that my hands looking just exactly like my mother’s rough, hardworking hands.

As far as I can remember, my mother had not motivated us vanity but the value of honesty, dignity and humility. My siblings and I were so proud of our mother that we will be carrying off her legacy. My mother strongly advocated the value of education. She absolutely believed that a good education is a step for a successful and fulfilling life. She just knew exactly what’s best for us.

Nanay was a very hard working mother. She earned every single penny by working diligently and dedicatedly. I still remember so well….from dawn to dusk, I would hear the sound of the sewing machine, almost sounded like a soothing rhythm, as she meticulously and quietly adorned a brightly colored embroidery, such a humble work of art. A very noble and decent occupation that supported us all in our college education. I asked her once why she would not teach me how to do embroidery and why she was just assigning me the task of bringing and picking up the 'binordan' (textiles, threads, designs and other materials) from barrios of San Jose and San Francisco...she would answer me softly, "neng, (short form of nene) I think you should focus on your studies only because if you are educated, you can get better job and have a better life".... I do remember so well with delight when she used to sew beautiful dresses for myself and my niece, as we had to wear identical new dresses every Easter Sunday.

She had always been very slender, she had a fine lovely features, beautiful set of eyes, natural wavy black shoulder length hair and fairly long legs. She was tall, in fact way taller than me, almost same height as my father. It is such a pity that I did not take any of my mother’s good looks, not even a slightest resemblance. My mother always preferred simplicity over vanity. She was very minimalist. She would rather choose a plain and less intricate blouse over a high-priced couture clothing. She refused to wear almost natural lip gloss as opposed to the natural sheer of her own lip balm. But I am impressed at how good her own style and tastes were. Her simplicity showed a touch of neatness, elegance and grace. She wouldn’t wear too much jewelry simply because according to her, it would only show self-indulgence, vanity, arrogance and extravagance. I remember her saying this — “Too much of something is not good as it outshines the natural beauty that comes within”.

She had a very sensitive and generous heart. She would feel so sorry for other needy and unfortunate ones, almost deprived people who can hardly make ends meet, who painstakingly working so very hard to earn a living and merely surviving to get through the day. She would rather give her last piece of bread to others whom she knew and refused to indulge in a very simple luxury of a meal. She was very frugal and had always been wise in spending her money sparingly. However, she won’t even think twice when a person in need comes to her and ask for help.

My mother was quite a lady, though you can never under estimate her silence, she was a street-smart, sharp-witted one, always made a wise decisions in life. She can do a mental math calculations without using a calculator not even a pen or paper, though she won’t remember where exactly she put her bunch of keys or her pair of spectacles. Yes, I do recall her always carrying a bunch of keys…and I always wonder why…..but now I come to realize that it really has a meaning to it after all. For her, the key signifies hope – as it unlocks and open doors , it is a representation of a chance, an opportunity, or perhaps, a decent future ahead of us and a much awaited abundance of blessings. It also gave her a sense of security and safety, but literally speaking, somehow, she constantly reminded us – “One must save something for rainy days.”

I always remember her constant reminders up until now….even the day when I decided to go farther and taken a greener opportunity, I had to leave Philippines to work abroad. She would write me frequently and always include this in her letter “May God always bless you with good health, wisdom, strength and peace” and she would end her letter with her usual P.S. “Don’t forget to pray to God”. My mother had a very strong spiritual faith. Her fervent love and obedience to God served as an inspiration to me. She would wake up early in the morning, and started her day with a prayer and ended her day with devotions.

Now, it would have been too late to say that we dearly love her and we terribly miss her a lot. And so, through my writings, I can lovingly and openly say, wonderful words that she deserve to hear.

Somehow, the day she passed away was a very significant time as it was more of a celebration of life than death. It could have been irrelevant or too late to say “I Love You”, and “Thank You” for all the things she has strived for me and my family, but I’ll say it anyway. Because there was nothing like my mother’s special “golden rule” reminders. There was nothing like my mother’s naive affections, encouraging words, enduring patience, and her delightful smiles. She deserves more than a thank you, as she had brought eight of us into this world, and carried us all in her womb, changed our diapers, spent sleepless nights, and sang us endless lullabies. But she had been proud of what we become now as she molded us into an upright person we are today. My mother may not be the ideal parent but she and my father had worked their fingers to the bone, just to make our house into a home. And I am so proud for both of my mother and my father.

So in a most simple way, I’d like to dedicate this simple tribute to a wonderful mother - just like the way she would want it to be. She was the most remarkable and amazing person I’ve ever known. Thus, she deserves more than just a tribute, she deserves –respect, honor and a loving memory.

For the past couple of years, I still find myself in a verge of sobbing away my grieving feelings and tears just flows every time I think of her. I totally miss her so much that it really breaks my heart at the thought of her being gone, totally gone. I know it will take time, a very long time for me to heal that emptiness and sadness. But nothing and no one in this whole wide world can ever replace her presence.

Losing somebody so significant in your life takes a huge amount of pain. But somehow, as I seek God’s comfort, I had felt His peace flowing through me knowing that she has finally gone home to heaven where she really belong - back in God’s hands. And now…all has left is a good memory…a wonderful memory that I will cherish forever.

“Nay....., I know that you are now resting peacefully in heaven with our loving and Heavenly Father, and enjoying the company of tatay...., I love you and I miss you so.....”.